Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
