I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
