I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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