My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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