I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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