explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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