The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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