i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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