He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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