I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
