Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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