My brain says no but my pants say off.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
