i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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