I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
