The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
