you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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