I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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