eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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