i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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