my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize