I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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