i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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