3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
