i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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