I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
