I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
