How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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