She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
a search helicopter?!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
