we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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