I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
