god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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