I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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