I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize