He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
