is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
