It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
