Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she told me i tasted like america
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
