my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
