everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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