I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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