Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
