After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
