the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
