shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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