On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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