I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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