He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
