I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
