Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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