i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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