My cat gives me a boner
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
