You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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