ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize