Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
