break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
