i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
