my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
