Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize