a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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