I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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