Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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