Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
