Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
