he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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